JSB's Blowout screed - "The TSM-2k11"

Special to DC - Correspondent Jesse Shepherd Bates shares his thoughts, plans, philosophies and reflections on the forthcoming week of musical madness known as the Metro Times Blowout.

I highly appreciate the man's visions of a mad invention to overcome the gotta-see-it-all jitters with which some 0f us become stricken - at Blowout. Particularly, that "sticky" Friday.

So, read a screed from one of the hardest working songwriters in town... or as the Ghost Family Collective deems: "musician, artist extraordinaire, creative thinker, kind man..."

"...This is the first year of Blowout that I will be playing in multiple bands, (The Satin Peaches, JSB Squad, Perennials), and luckily enough it is also the first year I will have a fully functioning teleporter / self-multiplier (hereby referred to as TSM2k11). I will finally be able to catch every band I want to see without missing a chord.

On March 2nd I plan to watch everyone at The Magic Stick. The lineup is incredible.

I first saw Secret Twins at Blowout last year and have been in love with them ever since. I’ve only seen Lettercamp at the Loving Touch, and look forward to hearing their awesomeness through an actual PA System. FAWN I have not yet seen, but they’re all so damn nice. My friend Jacob tells me The EEKS are great (and has been telling me this even before he joined the band), and I’ve always enjoyed Darling Imperial. Should be a good night, and I’ll be able to leave my TSM2k11 at home...

March 3rd is when things start getting sticky. I will start off the night at 9:00, watching Beekeepers at The Belmont. I haven’t seen them in quite some time, but went to high school with the guys and trust them implicitly. I will activate TSM2k11 at precisely 9:20, sending one of my selves (hereby known as JSB-B) to New Doge to catch what I’m sure will be the best Prussia set ever, seeing as they’ve just completed that tour of theirs.

Meanwhile, as soon as my original self (JSB-A) finishes applauding the Beekeepers, he will run to the Gates of Columbus Lounge to catch Scarlet Oaks begin their romp through left-handed-guitar-strumming-bliss.

Things start to get even more complicated at 10:00. Hopefully JSB-B will have finished enjoying Prussia’s set in time to run to Smalls, where my good friends Deadbeat Beat will be playing. They are so, so good. At this time, JSB-B will have to activate TSM2k11 TWICE, spawning JSB-C and JSB-D.

'C' will head to the Belmont, which should pose no problems, as my original self will have left twenty minutes prior. At the Belmont, Charlie Slick will be doing his unmissable thing, whatever that entails for the evening. 'D' will head to Atlas Bar to catch the indelible Timothy Monger State Park. I’ve been playing shows with Tim since I started playing music, and have not yet caught his State Park. Should be very exciting!

My original self ('A')’s next step will be catching Italian Picture Factory at Gates of Columbus Lounge at 10:40. I’m not sure if their lineup is secret or public; either way I guarantee you’ll love it. 'C' will remain at the Belmont, watching Cold Men Young pick up the action at 11:00. I hear House Phone is their backing band for this one - I hope that’s the truth! 'D' also gets to stay in one place, remaining at Atlas to catch Divine Comedians at 11:00. I’m not sure who’s in the band at this point, but I trust anything Nick DuFour does.

Meanwhile, 'B' will have been spending time at Gates of Columbus Hall preparing for the looming JSB Squad set. At 11:20 he will take a break from his preparations to catch The High Strung’s set. I’m a big fan of “Dragon Dicks” - these guys are a can’t-miss act. 11:20 will require another activation of the TSM2k11 - JSB-E will amble over to the New Dodge to catch Zoos of Berlin blow everyone’s minds, as they tend to do. At 11:40, my original self will remain at Gates of Columbus Lounge in order to catch Eddie, Gordon, and Skip rock The Sight’s set. I just had a funny idea - wouldn’t it be funny if The Sights all wore glasses? ….. Sorry …..


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Midnight will find 'C' remaining at The Belmont to watch Kommie Kilpatrick (playing the most songs of any band at Blowout? I would would hope so); 'D' will linger at Atlas to watch Computer Perfection (second Stevers McBlowout band of the evening, after my original self’s encounter with Scarlet Oaks). 'B' will leave the Gates of Columbus Hall (a good thing too, as my original self will be arriving there shortly) and amble down to Small’s to catch Illy Mack split twenty instruments between two people.

'E' will be a little too tipsy to leave the New Dodge at this point, so he will most likely fire up the TSM2k11, sending JSB-F over to Mars Bar to catch Marco Polio & TheNew Vaccines. They positively stole Land of NOD this year - honestly, how many people were naked by the end of their set?

At 12:20 it will be time for JSB Squad at Gates of Columbus Hall. My original self will take the helm of this 20+ member band. If anyone finds themselves deaf after the show, will gladly share my TSM2k11 for a minimal fee. You can send your original self home to sleep off a few days, allowing an infinite number of “you”s to explore Hamtramck for the remaining two days. On a very important side note, 'E' (the lush that he is) will be rewarded for his stubbornness at the New Dodge when Child Bite takes the stage at 12:20. I thoroughly enjoy Child Bite, although I must admit that their name has always freaked me out. At around 1:00 the TSM2k11’s timer will begin emitting it’s warning single (obviously the outro to “Hey Jude”), and all my alternate selves will be sucked back in, awaiting activation for Friday night’s adventures.

March 4th has some great action right off the bat. I plan to start off the night at the Belmont, catching Kelly Jean Caldwell at 9:00. I caught her at Atlas last month. One of her songs (didn’t catch the name) had a super cool “bring the beat in” moment that I’ve been trying to not steal. At 9:20 I will fire off the TSM2k11 twice. 'B' will catch Sharky & the Habit at Kelly’s Bar. I played with them a few times in 2010, watching them get better and better and better and better. JSB-C will fall in love all over again with Phantasmagoria at Paycheck’s. You MUST check these guys out.

At 10:40 my original self will head to Small’s, so that I can get knocked on my ass by Bars of Gold. 'B' will leave Paycheck’s to go check out The Drags at Jean’s. The Drags are some of the nicest guys in town, and I hear nothing but great things about their new lineup.

'B' will remain at Kelly’s, checking out Carjack’s madness at 11:20. My original self will leave Small’s (soon to be replaced), and jog over to Baker’s Streetcar to catch Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program. These guys rock the hell out of their set, and I’m glad to make them my 3rd two-piece of the weekend thus far. At 11:40, 'C' will head over to Small’s to catch The Octopus (making sure Dale doesn’t do anything crazy, i.e. lighting himself on fire or eating his own face, that would jeopardize Perennial’s set the following evening).

After JWPP’s set ends, my original self will go to Gates of Columbus Hall to catch one of my absolute favorite bands in town, The Kickstand Band. I’m the president of their fan-club (or so I keep telling them), so my original self’s presence is a must. They play at midnight, the same time 'B' will dash to the Painted Lady to catch Gorevette - I think The Satin Peaches were scheduled at the same time as them last year, if only I had fully developed TSM2k11 at that point ….

At 12:20 it will be C's responsibility to fire off the TSM2k11 before heading to Baker’s Streetcar to see Duende! and their wonderful weirdness. The newly unleashed 'D' will absorb the wonders that are Deastro at Paycheck’s, potentially slipping into another dimension while doing so. This is not to be unexpected, as it’s common knowledge that spectral projections of ones’ self have a higher susceptibility to dimensional shifts. Duh.

At 12:40, 'B' will go to Atlas Bar to catch Swimsuit. I have not yet seen this group, but I have faith in any project in which Dina is involved. 1:00 will provide my original self (and any other selves that manage to sneak in) with a final opportunity to see The Hard Lessons play before Augie and Ko become proud parents! Wow! Congratulations to them! Rock and Roll babies are the best kind of babies - that’s scientific fact. After what I’m sure will be an incredibly heartwarming set, I will pack up my selves and go home, gearing up for the busiest day yet.

March 5th will arrive carrying the duty of playing with two groups. Immediate usage of TSM2k11 will be necessary, as I have to figure out how to catch Conspiracy of Owls (whose song “Puzzle People” is P-E-R-F-E-C-T) at Gates of Columbus, The Cold Wave (led by mega-badass A.J. Sherman) at Small’s, and Pewter Cub (who are NOT called ‘Pewter Club’, thank you very much) at Baker’s Streetcar, ALL at 10:00. On top of all that, my good friends The Ashleys, another killer two-piece, are playing at Kelly’s at 10:20. I figure I’ll pop off four rounds of TSM2k11 and let my original self take a nap, he’s gonna earn it later.

At 10:40, JSB-B will head to the Belmont for the night. They have a great lineup, and I haven’t got the Displays since Andrew reformed it, so they are a must. He’ll stick around for The Handgrenades (check out their brand new EP, it’s killer) at 11:40, which is the same time my original self has to wake up to play with Perennials at Skipper’s. I will try to not break anything that I will need for The Satin Peaches set I’ll have to escape to immediately after. Also at this time, JSB-C will be checking out Amateur Anthropologist, which is another younger act I haven’t had the chance to check out yet but have heard great things about. JSB-D will already be twenty minutes into Legendary Creatures set, surely heavily wooed at this point by their wily ways.

At midnight JSB-E will be at Baker’s Streetcar to catch Woodman do their thing. On a side note, check out Woodman bassist Adam’s new band Phantom Cats - they’re a little too new for Blowout, but you must catch them soon after. 'D' will head to Small’s to catch Destroy This Place, featuring Ryan Allen, whom I have seen in almost as many bands as I have seen myself (to which I say, “hell yeah,” “props,” and “let’s make a band,....Ryan, together we could rule the galaxy as father and son.”).

12:40 features four of my favorites playing at once. 'B', faithfully at the Belmont, will rock out to Big Mess (just played with them in late January; they were undeniably sick). 'C' will stay at Whiskey in the Jar, surely enjoying the folk-you attitude (sorry) of Gun Lake, who have some of the coolest songs I’ve heard in a while (best Mittenfest V surprise for me, if I do say so myselves). 'D' will switch places with my original self in order to catch Rogue Satellites, led by pop master Jaye at Skipper’s. 'E' will once again refuse to leave his station, defiantly popping off the TSM2k11 and sending 'F' to Mars Bar to check out FUR, who I’m sure you’ve seen by now . . . you have seen them by now haven’t you? Please tell me you’ve seen them by now . . .

At 1:00 my original self will take the stage with The Satin Peaches at Small’s, hopefully not dressed as my rapper alter-ego this year. I’m sure we’ll have some surprises in store for whoever is still awake and willing to rock. Meanwhile 'E' will stay at Baker’s Streetcar to catch Macrame Tiger play the hits, singing along to lyrics he doesn’t actually know throughout the whole set, before making a break for it, fleeing the city of Hamtramck before being forced back into the TSM2k11. After TSP’s set I will get themselves that understand the rules and boundaries of quantum science to get back in the device, where they will stay till next year’s blowout. At this point I will find my bed and sleep for about a month.

Sound like a plan?

There's my Blowout schedule.

Playing 3 nights out of 4 leaves little time to see your favorites let alone check out new bands... sigh.

I'm super excited though!!